Your Blind Stars
by 3d


Aries

Jupiter is flailing around madly this month which could bring about a spell of mobility difficulty. For instance, your mushroom tip might fall off, your guide dog might chew it's harness in half or you might just become really shit at picking out doorways.


Taurus

A late night drunken piss in a side road off the high street may not be as private as you think! Unbeknownst to you, you will be slashing in the full glare of a security light believing that you have found a nicely secluded private spot. The people behind the counter at the nearby kebab shop will never be able to look at you in the same way again.


Gemini

Your guide dog decides to earnestly lick it's genitals in the middle of an important departmental meeting. You keep trying to stop him but every time you think you've succeeded he just keeps going back for more and more getting louder, slurpier and more ravenous.


Cancer

What, you mean like Blastoma? I'll get back to you on this when I've checked my facts out.


Leo

Venus is in an eclipsing ascendency this month so if you're making love to your (blind) boyfriend and he says the wrong name, do not worry. It doesn't mean he's in love with someone else it's just that he can't see who you are.


Virgo

Virgo males beware. This month you will accidentally wear your girlfriend's 'ZZZ Snoozy Snoopy' night dress to the pub believing it to be one of your baggier T-shirts. Oh what a wanker you'll look.


Libra

Your month is going to be excellent, you're going to appear witty, interesting and sexy at all times. You are awesome, you are in fact the Editor of this website. (thanks for that - Ed.)


Scorpio

You accidentally lance your bosses groin with the handle end of your white cane making their hernia reoccur. You offer to resign but instead they add a clause to your contract that forces you to wrap your tapper with cotton wool. You will look like a fairy godmother.


Sagittarius

Someone will try to convince you that Harrington Jackets, bonce boppers and Pixie Boots are back in fashion. They're not.


Capricorn

This month you will start dreaming in pictures, however you have never seen before so won't recognise them and the whole phenomenon will be utterly wasted on you.


Aquarius

On your next visit to a public toilet you will unwittingly sit down on a seat which has a puddle of piss all round the rim. You will jump up in shock and some of the puddle will displace itself all over your jeans. Oh the trauma. However, at this point you will also notice an even bigger urine pool on the floor, your suede shoes are in it and the legs of your jeans are dangling in it. How did you not notice? You stupid stupid blind Aquarius person.


Pisces

What you believe to be a small barely noticeable coffee stain on your shirt this month will in fact look like a patch of toxic vomit to your colleagues. They won't tell you and you'll be walking around for an entire day looking like a completely hapless blind loser.



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