Ever dedicated to the cause of Blind kiss around 6 months ago I set out on a mission to entrap one of my unsuspecting co-workers, and although it has taken a while for my cunning schemes to come to fruition, I'm glad to report success.
Yes ladies I'm afraid it's true, Cobblers is off the market, but quell that sobbing all is not lost. Ever selfless, I'm here to tell you how it's done.
1. Choosing your victim.
Which of the office honeys will be lucky enough to be the subject of your sightless affection?
Tip: Steer well clear of the married ones, especially those with kids. Yes an affair with a married woman can be exciting if you manage to get that far but the reality is that she'll think of herself as a mother figure to you, and while suckling at her breast might be exactly what you have in mind the most intimate thought she'll be having is whether you might like a hand with your laundry. If she's a mother then this applies in multiples, and besides why would you want to have an affair with a married woman with kids anyway? She'll have no time for you, and on the rare occasion you do manage to drag her away to the stationery cupboard all she'll want to do is tell you what little Johnny's teacher said about his French homework. No take my advice, keep well clear. Cobblers has been there and only just got away in one piece.
The bubbly admin girl then. Apparently she's gorgeous and Pete from accounts says she's a right goer. Sounds just your type and what's more you might be in with a chance, after all she nearly always speaks when you spill your coffee on her while fumbling back from the vending machine to your office.
No I think not you see the trouble with these is that they're every bodies friend, and you'll just never know whether that peck on the cheek as you leave at five o'clock was really saying, "Hey there you hunk of hot lurvin take me to bed or lose me forever", or just "thanks for not laughing when I told you Snuffles my pet cat died in a horrendous road accident last weekend".
An easier target then - that quiet girl who's always sort of around the place but your not quite sure what she does. oh come on, use some common sense. If you don't even know what she does how are you going to invent things to go and ask her about? And besides, as we already noted she's quiet so you won't even know when she's there.
No. The trick is to find some one un-attached who isn't at it with half of the IT boys, but won't run scared whenever you step into her personal space, regardless of whether or not you knew you had done so.
That, you may think, sounds tricky, but it's nothing compared to what comes next.
2. Almost normal.
Having identified you're victim you face your biggest challenge so far. You've got to stop her thinking of you as that nice blind man with the stained shirts who stands uncomfortably close to her in the queue at lunchtimes, and make her think of you as the funny bloke upstairs, or the one who sends those rude jokes on the Email all the time, or even that heartless swine who laughed when your pet cat Snuffles died at the weekend. Basically use anything that makes her consider you for who you are, not just the fumbling idiot with the dog. Only when you've achieved this can you start to make your moves.
3. Setting the trap.
Get real! I'm not going to tell you all my trade secrets. How to pick up women is something you'll have to figure out for yourself. This article is purely how to snag some workplace talent.
4. One in the bag.
The hardest part is knowing when you've won. No eye contact across the photocopier room, no exchange of smiles at the bus stop. How will you know when it's time to break out the vacuum cleaner, change the bedding and ask her up to see your braille etchings?
Don't panic here's Cobblers to the rescue. I went through it and will now share my wealth of experience with you lucky lucky readers.
The Victim
Wow! It's a Person
I made a point of mugging up on things I knew she was weak on, so that she 1, thought I was clever and 2, had to call me for help sometimes. Then I dragged her off to conferences and the like where I knew other blinkies would be in attendance. This let her see how superior I am to your average impaired freak.
Cobblers Makes His Move
Hold on tight ladies, it's going to be a bumpy ride. No, I already told you I'm not giving away my trade secrets, but little things like remembering things about her, bitching about people you know she doesn't like, and commenting on her new haircut all help you worm your way in to her affections. (Note the latter will only work if she has actually had a haircut so use with caution).
It's a Goal!
How do you know when it's time to wind in the big fish, when' she's yours for the taking?
The Cobblers top ten signs that the last 6 months of stalking have paid off and the girl from the office isn't going to run scared when you try to kiss her and end up putting your tongue in her eye:
10. She calls at least once a day to ask simple or pointless questions, or even sometimes for no apparent reason.
9. She almost always replies to your Emails and despite complaining when you send her links to pictures of naked women she still describes them for you.
8. She tells you things that your manager told her in confidence, especially if this includes financial information he most certainly wouldn't want you to know.
7. Every time you have a meeting with her she tells you what she's wearing without any prompting.
6. She lets slip that she has been talking about you to her friends and even her parents.
5. You discover that she went to the trouble of looking up your home address on the internet rather than just asking you, and why does she need to know it anyway? Slightly scary this one.
4. She invites herself round for dinner.
3. She arrives wearing tactile clothing, a beaded top and velvet skirt, and tells you that she was about to put her make-up on and then realised there wasn't much point but went ahead and did it anyway.
2. At 1 in the morning she is still in your home and searching in her hand-bag for her toothbrush and lip salve.
And the number one sign that some one from the office fancies you...
She bought herself one of those gadgets for removing dog hair from clothes.
Disclaimer:
Cobblers would like to make it quite clear he has never licked anyone's eyeball intentionally or otherwise.
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Take me back home