The current highly competitive climate in further education is such that we are under constant pressure to perform, and our performance is always carefully scrutinised, particularly when we are on public display. It is therefore necessary for me to develop parents' evening strategies, lest I, with my 6/36 vision, should make a complete prat of myself in front of a parent.
So, what do I do? Well, it is vitally important to note down the name of the student whose parents you will be seeing (with the time of the appointment) well in advance. In the event of your not recognising the parents when they arrive for their appointment, (often with your students - you don't recognise them either!) the thing to do is to say: "Ah yes, good evening. What time was your appointment down for?" They then most obligingly give you the time which you check against the name, the secret of the student's identity is revealed to you, and away you go. This works every time - almost every time. There are, however, two particularly embarrassing and traumatic occasions (for me and the students respectively) which I will never forget.
In my first year in teaching at NEW College Pontefract, I had my first parents' evening in February, and things were going swimmingly until this girl turned up. She sat down with her parents and was met with: "You obviously find the subject (French) really difficult, and I am really pleased that you are working so hard to overcome your difficulties. If you carry on, you should just about have a chance of passing the A level. The girl in question was a straight As Oxbridge candidate, (and a very upset one by the time I'd finished with her!).
On another occasion, a girl came to my table with her mother, and for once, I was totally sure that I knew who it was. For once, I was in control - I had sight!!! They sat down, and it began: "Well, I must say, I'm really impressed with the progress Suzanne has made in French since the summer holidays. She really has a chance of getting a top grade." Obviously, I like giving parents that kind of feedback when I can and always assume they enjoy hearing it. I was therefore somewhat perplexed to be met with a wall of silence. They both looked at each other, (I just about picked that up in a 6/36 kind of way!) then looked at me before the mother hit me with: "She doesn't do French!" Then the girl: "Tosh, it's Emma!" Clearly, in situations like that the more erudite or witty the comment, the better, but all I could manage was: "Ah!!" I thought, well, what is now needed is something to lighten the mood, so I said: "Right, yes, so as I was saying, you're making really good progress in German this year, Emma!"
I must admit that such cases of 'mistaken identity' on my part have been fairly rare occasions, but there are other potential hazards of which one should beware. My third 'I've really lost the will to live' moment was perhaps more difficult to cover up. In fact, it caused everyone in the hall to pause for a moment and look round at me and the poor parents sitting opposite me. On this occasion, I had successfully ascertained who I was speaking to (and about which student and which subject), and it was all going really well - too well! When animated and in full flow, I tend to gesticulate somewhat - not a good idea with 6/36 vision and a full cup of black coffee on the table! Now, when I look back on that incident, I do take enormous comfort from the fact that it was only the mother whose clothes got covered in coffee; the father remained totally unscathed, unlike my credibility.