If you want to submitanything yourself, send it into me.

Happy Kissing,

2. Putting things in your mouth the wrong way round.
My fiancé has done this with a pen; I've done it with a cigarette. Not to be recommended; it put me off fags for life. With regard to putting anything else in your mouth, just make sure it's clean. (you've very smutty minds you know).

3. Talking to people who aren't there.
I've done this many times; its no good pretending you've gone mad and that you meant to talk to an empty chair, people won't believe you. Best just to admit you've made a mistake here.

4. Calling someone by the wrong name.
How many times have we all gone up to Sally's desk in accounts and asked her "Would you like to come out for a drink with me tonight"? only to find that Brian is sitting in Sally's chair. This simple mistake can lead to all sorts of trouble. Worse still is if your telling Sally what a total gimp you think Brian is only to find that Brian is either present in the room, or STILL sitting in Sally's chair. My advice here is to keep your insulting comments to yourself until you know for sure that Brian has gone.

5. Mistaking people for inanimate objects.
I did this quite recently in Amsterdam airport. I was sitting 2 or 3 seats away from what I assumed was a dustbin. The thing was very still and looked remarkably like one of those flip lid bins. Keen to assert my independence, I rose, walked over, and tried to put my empty can of Pepsi into a man who was holding a newspaper. This hideous moment passed off with out physical injury to me or Mr. Newspaper but I felt very silly, particularly as I had walked over to him with out my Cain and so probably seemed to be sighted. He must have thought he was being attacked by a Pepsi-can-wheeling nutter.

6. Answering questions not meant for you.
This could happen to anyone of course but the visually impaired are particularly prone. If, in a nightclub, someone asks "would you like a shag" and you answer "Yes please", then, depending on how drunk you both are, this mistake might just work to your advantage. However, as the question was actually intended for your friend sitting next to you, it is more likely that you will just end up looking foolish. The answer I find is to insist that every one you come into contact with uses your name when addressing you.

7. confusing shoppers.
Ever asked a shop assistant for help only to find you've asked another shopper if they can show you where the K.Y. jelly is kept. If you are not obviously blind, the person concerned is going to think you are a crazed loon! Always best to go to the counter and ask. Which reminds me, I once had to ask a shop assistant in Boots to show me where the condoms were. Even though I had a white Cain, she shyly told me that they were "just over there sir". Well, having conjured up the nerve to ask where they were, I wasn't going to be put off by this vague answer so I asked her to show me where exactly they were. She did this, perhaps a little unwillingly but then of course I had to ask about what sizes they had. By this point, I don't know who was more embarrassed, me or her. Anyway, I obviously ended up with some jumbo sized Durex and was pleasantly surprised to find that when used, they smelt of strawberries and bananas.

8. Those confusing little sashes of stuff you get given with fast food.
Once, back in my college days, I shared a lovely KFC dinner with a room full of fellow new students, none of which new me. Convinced I had the Tommy Ketchup sashes in my hand, I ripped the corner and proceeded to pour the stuff over my chips. It was very stubborn and simply refused to leave its paper container. It wasn't until some minutes had passed and a lot of strange looks had come my way that I realized I was trying to dispense a wet wipe on to my fries.

9. Mistaking mother-in-law for wife.
Don't worry, it wasn't quite that bad; I mean I might be blind but I can still tell a 30-year-old woman from a 55 year old one. Mother in law was round our house but sitting in a place she wouldn't usually sit. My wife was in the room but you know, I just got a bit confused. I sat down on the floor beside who I thought was my wife but, well, I got it wrong. I started fondling my mother in laws thigh. Luckily, she's a good-humoured old dear and took it well. I think she quite enjoyed it actually.