I am a big fan of Christmas. I love the annually regurgitated Christmas albums, (an unfortunate consequence of the last decent Christmas song being made in the early 1980's), the food, drink, and all those Christmas parties where you can happily snog friends' partners and then claim you thought it was someone else. Unfortunately there is one blot on the landscape and that is Christmas shopping.
Now I am not a fan of shopping at any time during the year however Christmas is much worse if you are a blind shopper trying to buy presents for friends and family who you tend to avoid the rest of the year round. The process goes something like this:
1. Enter shop, trying to ignore piped Christmas carols, and listen for ring of cash register to identify where you can find shop assistant;You may experience many adaptations of this programme, and it certainly does not do justice to the constant feeling that Kevin considers you to be: A. Extremely thick; and B. A cripple who can't manage the odd undulation in the floor. Some of you may even be lucky and manage to do most of your shopping with a friend. But I can guarantee that at least one recipient of a Christmas gift from me will receive the same thing they got last year as a result of an excursion of this sort. In return I will probably be given an impressive picture or an expensive crystal ornament. Luckily, what with all the Christmas day booze, I won't be in the mood to feel guilty.2. If 1, (above), is unsuccessful then maybe ask member of public and permit them to grope you as they take a hands-on approach in getting you to the till (please note that this is not necessarily the bad part);
3. Stand at till, in full knowledge that assistant is on other side, but waiting for them to speak first;
4. File nails, pick nose or maybe read Lord of the Rings to fill time before dumb assistant finally speaks;
5. Request assistance then spend ten minutes explaining that you don't know the make, model number and description of what you want but rather just want some idea of what is around;
6. Kevin is sent for to help you round the store (Kevin may be male or female, short or tall, attractive or ugly, not even actually called Kevin by his/her friends, but you can guarantee that he/she will be a typical Kevin if ever you saw one);
7. Wander about with Kevin for thirty minutes as he/she tries to describe items (in words of one syllable) about which he obviously has not got a clue;
8. Finally settle for the same thing you got last year as at least you know the shop sells it, finish Lord of the Rings while Kevin fetches it, and pay using a gold card to show off how rich you are.
Happy Christmas!